My Dearest Courtney~

Well Ho, today is the 1st day of my newest reality. Waking up to a life without you really sucks. When I woke up I only had a split second before your passing came crashing back down on me. Still I had the futile hope that yesterday was nothing but a horrible nightmare.

When I picked up my phone I held it a few minutes before hitting the button to wake it up, praying and wishing with everything I have that there would be a text or missed call from you asking me when I was going to come over & see you. Instead I looked down to see the same horrible messages from yesterday. I think it hurt worse the 2nd time, that realization that I'd lost my best friend.

It's rather twisted that after getting the news yesterday as I felt myself stagger and the pain washed over me, my first thought was to call my life line...which of course is you. Already there have been so many other moments that I made a mental note to tell my Ho something so that we could laugh together about it.

Who am I supposed to call at 3am when I get tangled up in some Tori Amos lyric that I'm hearing and feeling differently than I ever have before? Where am I supposed to get updates on Dan's Balls from now on? If some random commercial suddenly pisses me of for some stupid petty reason, who can I vent to that can understand my weirdness? How am I supposed to go on with this emptiness that aches so much?

I wasn't prepared for this. I'm nowhere near able to handle such a horrible situation without your help.

I keep telling myself that you aren't suffering anymore, but to be honest in this matter I want to be a selfish prick. I'd rather have you here and suffering just so I wouldn't have to suffer your absence.

The greatest bond I felt with you was our ability to find a way to laugh at the worst things we experienced. We could make jokes about subjects that would appall most people. It was how we were able to deal with those horrible moments of life. Without the laughter on many occasions I would have gone crazy. Well, I'm waiting for the punchline, I wish you'd go ahead and share it with me sooner than later...

I know you aren't really gone; I got your messages this morning. There wasn't a second of doubt that you were letting me know you were here with me. I admit that it was comforting for a little while, knowing that you were here. The 1st one was cute, but the 2nd one almost got me to laugh...I probably will laugh about it sometime in the near future. But for right now it's just to raw.

Life will go on, I will do what I can to make sure that the things we discussed for this very moment happen. I thought I had at least a few more years before I would be called on to bring your wishes into fruition. Your mom will take care of Emma, I will do what I can to help take care of your mom. I will also do what I can to look out for your dad, I just hope you can help convince him to let me.

I will search for you everywhere in this world so please keep dropping those clues for me.

I love you so much...I will miss you even more.

~Your Whorelette~
          Jason 

(Originally posted on Facebook)