Dear Ho,

I never realized how much of my life I shared with you until you weren't here to share in it anymore. Already in the short time you've been gone there have been so many times I caught myself reaching for the phone to call or text you something. Most of it inconsequential, but some of it serious.

The other day I went and visited Sissi McDoogals, you wouldn't believe how awful she looks. She is so skinny you can see and feel all her bones. Her eyes have the fog of cataracts and are constantly oozing eye gunk. The bout with Vestibular disease has left her with a slight tremor and keeps her head cocked slightly to one side. But worst of all is her skin...I don't know what it is but it's like she is covered in thousands of little scabs everywhere, especially the top of her head. They itch but she can't scratch them due to her arthritis and loss of balance. It was heartbreaking.

Because life hasn't been difficult enough lately he came home before I left. That's the 1st time I've actually spoken to him in years, even longer since I've been in the same room with him. There was a small part of me that hoped dealing with your passing would be the catalyst for some kind of change between he and I. As soon as I saw that knowing smirk on his face all hope for that was gone.

The mom isn't very happy either. She doesn't like the son-in-law and said she doesn't know what he sees in him. Then she said...and I quote..."It can't be his whacker! I know it's not that, his people don't got no big whackers. Everybody knows that!" I swear to God that's the truth! It was so hard not to laugh out loud. It was like instinct that I started to make up an excuse so I could leave to call and tell you about it.

I reached out to Amy on Facebook and introduced myself and told her how much she meant to you. She of course knew and did, she hoped you knew she felt the same about you. I can't handle it yet but I want to call her very soon. Hopefully you approve of me sending her the 2nd box I made you, the one with the segments in the twisted stack. It has the Japanese quote about friendship on it. You said it was special to you, you were special to her...you both are special to me. Just seems right.

Esther said that she loves you. She messaged with me one night, it was nice to reminisce. I told her about our 1st impression of her and how it had changed by the end of that 1st shift. She's the GM of a Longhorn Steakhouse and shared the story with her staff because they'd had a tough shift.

Last night I managed to get in touch with Lynne. She told me that Kay is a great grandmother now! Isn't that freaking crazy!? It just doesn't seem like that long ago when Kay's grandkids were in elementary school and now one is in the Marine Corps and the other has children of their own.

This morning while your mom was asleep on the sofa I walked from room to room searching for your presence. It's such a paradox; you are in every inch of this apartment and yet you aren't. Tuesday terrifies me, how do I say goodbye to you? It feels like we are all walking on the edge, waiting on one of the others to breakdown 1st & that will be permission for the others' to crumble. But nobody wants to be the cause of the other's losing control.

I love you.

I miss you.

I am still watching for you everywhere.

~Your Whorelette~

My Dearest Courtney~

Well Ho, today is the 1st day of my newest reality. Waking up to a life without you really sucks. When I woke up I only had a split second before your passing came crashing back down on me. Still I had the futile hope that yesterday was nothing but a horrible nightmare.

When I picked up my phone I held it a few minutes before hitting the button to wake it up, praying and wishing with everything I have that there would be a text or missed call from you asking me when I was going to come over & see you. Instead I looked down to see the same horrible messages from yesterday. I think it hurt worse the 2nd time, that realization that I'd lost my best friend.

It's rather twisted that after getting the news yesterday as I felt myself stagger and the pain washed over me, my first thought was to call my life line...which of course is you. Already there have been so many other moments that I made a mental note to tell my Ho something so that we could laugh together about it.

Who am I supposed to call at 3am when I get tangled up in some Tori Amos lyric that I'm hearing and feeling differently than I ever have before? Where am I supposed to get updates on Dan's Balls from now on? If some random commercial suddenly pisses me of for some stupid petty reason, who can I vent to that can understand my weirdness? How am I supposed to go on with this emptiness that aches so much?

I wasn't prepared for this. I'm nowhere near able to handle such a horrible situation without your help.

I keep telling myself that you aren't suffering anymore, but to be honest in this matter I want to be a selfish prick. I'd rather have you here and suffering just so I wouldn't have to suffer your absence.

The greatest bond I felt with you was our ability to find a way to laugh at the worst things we experienced. We could make jokes about subjects that would appall most people. It was how we were able to deal with those horrible moments of life. Without the laughter on many occasions I would have gone crazy. Well, I'm waiting for the punchline, I wish you'd go ahead and share it with me sooner than later...

I know you aren't really gone; I got your messages this morning. There wasn't a second of doubt that you were letting me know you were here with me. I admit that it was comforting for a little while, knowing that you were here. The 1st one was cute, but the 2nd one almost got me to laugh...I probably will laugh about it sometime in the near future. But for right now it's just to raw.

Life will go on, I will do what I can to make sure that the things we discussed for this very moment happen. I thought I had at least a few more years before I would be called on to bring your wishes into fruition. Your mom will take care of Emma, I will do what I can to help take care of your mom. I will also do what I can to look out for your dad, I just hope you can help convince him to let me.

I will search for you everywhere in this world so please keep dropping those clues for me.

I love you so much...I will miss you even more.

~Your Whorelette~
          Jason 

(Originally posted on Facebook)